Is it too late to call off the anti-bossy campaign?
You know, that movement driven by famous women everywhere to remove the “b-word” from the lips of our teens and pre-teens? What a benevolent effort!
But it will take kids five minutes to come up with another mean word to derogate their unpopular cohorts. Plus, banning words just makes them more alluring.
At the end of the day, labeling girls “bossy” isn’t the real issue. And banning the word isn’t the answer.
Different Standards
Yes, women are held to a different standard of conduct at school and in the workplace. And yes, assertive girls and women are often called strident, pushy and that other b-word, while boys and men are called go-getters, self-starters and strong leaders for the same set of behaviors. But the real obstacle to pursuing success at school, in the workplace and in life lies beyond labels. Some of it is undisguised bias. Some of it is ingrained in the fabric of our institutions. Some of it is the result of misguided behavior by well-intentioned people in power. All of it limits choice. Aggressive labeling seeks to curb others’ choices by intimidating or shaming the target into submission.
The Heart of the Matter
Curbing choice is what curbs opportunity. A so-called “bossy” girl trying to organize her first party will feel the pinch on her choices when others criticize her assertiveness. A new manager will feel that same pinch when told she is being too enthusiastic in organizing her first team meeting.
Armed with the tools and energy needed to boost engagement and performance, I have watched the life drain from a room when a threatened colleague deflates a peer’s efforts. “What is she trying to do?” “Who does she think she is?” Subdued and disheartened, the girl and the woman find their choices limited. Their behavior constrained by criticism.
Girls and boys should have the right to choose their friends and activities without fear of ridicule. Women and men should likewise be able to choose an approach to work and life free from stifling judgment and assumptions. Mean words seek to limit those choices. But if we want to help our up and comers live in the realm of choice so that they can optimize their present and their future, it’s going to take a lot more than banning nasty epithets.
The Fundamentals of Choice
There is no easy solution. Exercising choice presents a number of challenges, including managing psychological biases, engaging in objective data-gathering, practicing impulse control and dealing with feelings of post-choice regret.
Adults cannot give any of these to our girls and boys. They are earned and learned. Women and men who have not flexed their choice muscles, who allow others to shape their futures, who fail to speak up for their wants and goals, still need to learn the fundamentals of choice.
Instead of prohibiting mean words (and what prohibition campaign has ever not been doomed to fail?), we need to help our girls and boys and women and men build their own sturdy foundations. Exercising choice requires confidence, persistence and resilience.
Confidence
This is to operate from a place of self-reliance and a belief in one’s own abilities. In my experience with young students, self-confidence comes from feelings of efficacy (and not from self-esteem, although this can be a by-product of efficacy!). Confidence stems from identifying problems, creating action plans and making choices that solve them. Teaching new skills and providing the latitude to flex them is the gift parents give to their children, teachers to their students, and managers to their new hires.
Persistence
This is the art of continuing and enduring through tenacity and determination. A foundational tenet of success that begins early, we must teach skills that help our young people overcome the stranglehold of “no” in pursuit of their choices. More than mere repetition, persistence comes from learning to take new perspectives, communicating persuasively, and adapting strategies to address the situation at hand. If at first you don’t succeed, try doing a little research, reframing your request and asking again over dinner.
Resilience
Perhaps more important than confidence and persistence is the ability to recover from setbacks. Those who would limit choice through mean words seek to throw their victims into the realm of failure. Their hope is that the target will adopt their negative view and stop striving. Learning to cope with setbacks means building a vocabulary of optimism and encouragement, especially in our self talk. It means reaching out to supportive others when we need them. And it means sticking to our goals, moving toward what we know is right even if we have to adjust course now and then. Resilience is keeping the big picture at the fore, understanding there are many paths that lead to success.
The “bossy” campaign seems underwhelming in its scope and promise for supporting energized, capable girls and women. When we support girls and boys, women and men by teaching them the fundamentals of choice, we elevate everyone by building confidence persistence and resilience. We give everyone the tools to more than persevere. We give them the power to thrive.
